What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:00
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What type of narcissist cheats more and gets pleasure out of hurting you, even if they're married?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What are the common formulas for improvising ornaments in bel canto singing?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it wasn’t much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Is it ok for someone to crossdress in public?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What are some mind-blowing facts that sound unreal but are actually true?
Ive learnt so much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What would it take for you to consider yourself a "Swiftie" like Flavor Flav?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She loved him until the end.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
She found it foreign!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
I was very sick at this time too.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is soul school!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We all went to grammer schools
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He knew the spot.
One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I said to her
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was scared of men, in general
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My family never makes their pension either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What did i know ?
She married twice! .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor